The Number Game

What's your number?  This question can bring immediate panic when presented by a partner, prospective partner or nosy companion.  What is the "right" answer?  A number too low can make you look inexperienced, prudish or lame.  A number too high can signify promiscuity, lack of self respect or an inability to commit.  Do you tell the truth up front and take the judgement and ridicule that might accompany it?  Do you lie and have inner feelings of guilt?  And come to think of it.... What business is it of theirs anyway?!

My number?  My business!

The right number can be debated for days.  According to most religions, the correct number is one, your husband or wife.  Any more is a sin.  An abomination.  The right number, historically, is 10.  That is the answer that a majority of people will give when asked.  It doesn't sound so low that you can be mistaken for a killjoy nor so high that you look like a whore.

Excluding people whose morals keep them at one partner, what does your number really say about you?  If a 35 year old woman reports having 20 sexual partners over the course of her sexual lifetime, that allows her approximately 2 partners per year.  In comparison, if a 25 year old reports three partners, that sounds a lot better--until you learn that one was a high school boyfriend and the other two were part of a threesome she had at a party.  Going specifically by the numerals, 20 sounds a lot worse than three, but looking at circumstances, which should be judged more harshly?

Neither, of course!  Because it's not your concern.  Your number does not dictate you as a person.  The correct number is one in which you are comfortable with having.  If you can happily look at yourself in the mirror, that is what is most important.  Of course, we are all curious.  But one must remember that a person's body is their own.  It is not up to you to decided who is morally just and who is not.  One person might be uncomfortable with a three while 33 is completely acceptable to another.  Personal comfort is key.

There is some discrepancy when it comes to average number of partners in a persons lifetime.  Statistics show the average number for women to be between 4 and 8 while the average number for men being stated between 7 and 12.  How realistic are these numbers?  Why is it socially acceptable for men to have a higher number of sexual partners than women?  A man will often add to the amount of partners they have been with when asked in order to look "like a man".  A woman, will often subtract from her number so as not to look "easy".  Where is the fairness?  Men are often reported as believing a woman should have a remarkably low number otherwise they have preconceived notions about her morality and chasteness.

My number... you want to know?  More than 10.  What do I say when asked then?  How will it affect your life by knowing my personal history?  What do I tell someone who is concerned about a partner or future partner being offended by not revealing your past number of sexual partners?  The truth.  Which is, if the person likes you enough, your past is yours and will not matter.  If a number is a deal breaker, then they are not worth your time and energy.  Our past is what shapes us.. so stand with your choices, keep your head high and be proud.  I'm not ashamed of my number or my past, present or future. Neither should you!

xoxxx-

Julia is a sex enthusiast (talking about it, studying it, taking part in it!) with a B.A. in 
Cultural Anthropology focusing on sex work and sexual taboos. 
She is currently a Master's student in Marriage and Family Therapy 
centering on sex and relationships.
She is a strong advocate for sexual freedom and equality.